on conversating

One of my lovely friends who left NYC was in town last week. He freelances now and he was here for over 3 days.

His boyfriend (not old) died suddenly not long ago.

So we were sitting on the balcony at his host's place doing lines in the cool air, like we wind up doing, high above the sidewalk. And as I wind up doing sometimes we ramble about death. And aside from some clarity it works that someone says my mom sounds like she was a cool lady.

She wasn't cool. She loved me fiercely, but she wasn't cool. My biggest advocate and support system, but not cool. It's one of those things people say though. I understand.

We keep it inside inside until sometime we laugh too long or ramble after too much of something, and then, in those speedy moments we find a little harmony.

And swig some beer and keep going.

Yeah mom, I miss you tons.

and oh yeah

I turned off anon comments, cause spam is depressing. word.

Even if no one reads this!

so in the interim...

I've tried some stuff.

Grad school for design. graphic design. A serious, hard-ass M.S. program. That I submitted a serious hard-ass portfolio for (at least 7 diff mediums, they asked for!). And that was...interesting...while working full time, over 60 hrs a week. Plus 2 classes, of 6 hrs each. And at least 15 hrs each of assignments per week. Believe it or not, I did that shit straight. Not lit up like a christmas tree. Which I am right now. Anyway, in that time through the one class I learned a SHIT-TON about designing. I did sample book covers (what I wanted to do anyway) and a full 12 page portfolio for my theoretical PR firm. The other class...not so much. So yeah, now I know what its like to exist on about 4 hrs sleep each night, and at least one 48-hr day a week. I didn't die, but I came close, for realsies, once. Bad reaction to some antibiotic. Passed out. Everything.

ANYWAY. Now I know some ish. But I'm not in school right now. Can't afford it for another semester. Can't afford it work-wise right now. Got a serious national campaign going on. Been working 11 hr days again. Aside from this week of crazy. But yeah. I need a mac. For design. For me.

I may also need a new apt. For me. for cats. for life.

I need to change everything.

But as of this week, things feel a bit better.

Oh yeah, some stuff exploded in March, for my family. For me to, I guess. It's still being sorted. To say the least.

In the meantime, I carry on. I workit. Insanely. I play. Sometimes. I miss. So much. I read. A lot. I draw. Not enough.

Yeah I've got like at least 2 creative things that need to get off the ground. One almost did at the start of 2010.

This weekend. Rebirth.

Much <3.

this post does not mention gossip girl. somehow.

So for some reason I've been watching a few episodes of (the original) 90210 on netflix instant. I was a bit too young to care about the show in its first running, but saw some reruns growing up, and I watched the CW's first ep of the updated version. Those lolipop kids got nothing on the original cast, I must say. Now a few things to note:

- Donna Martin is hotter than I remember. Also, fashions! fun! I fucking love that mesh and lace are back. viva see-thru! I was not to young to partake of that, around 12/13, I must say.
- Andrea + Dylan. Still lookin' ancient. David. Still cute in that eager way.
- Mesh! Denim ripped right below the ass! Be still my trashy heart!
- Christ Brandon Walsh is a pompous and condescending character. He smirks at everything Andrea or Brenda says.

The Walshs are that damn default parent type that every other show seems to follow. There's 2 of them. They're the down-to-earth contrast to the troubled Kelly's parents of the world. They make dinner. Everyone is supposed to relate to them.

Now. Freaks and Geeks is straight up one of my favorite shows ever. It's epically funny, poignant and the kids are relatable and grating in a truly teenage way that makes you ache and there will never be a finer moment of television than a group of nerds pushing a wagon with a keg of non-alcoholic beer. But - the same damn thing. The caring perfectly normal mom. The strict dad with a heart full of love for his kids who gets mushy at all the right moments. I feel like most of America would relate more to the Kim Kelly model of parents. And as for lots of us, the only immigrant parents on tv are shown to be old/crazy/there to force you into marriage, crush your dreams, etc. Or they're the more new school stereotype (see: Ignacio Suarez of Ugly Betty) For once I'd like to see the main character of a show be the Kim Kelly. Or hell, even the Kelly Taylor. Show some real parents that aren't 100% "real" perfection. Real parents have issues and pasts.

Also? I know the intent is for us think she's humiliating herself, but come on. Standing around coked up in gloriously Joan Collins-esque fashions and yelling about how its a man's world? I'll take you up on that anytime.

adderall plans, adderall fans

Ok kids, there is a limited list of things in this world that I love.

In no particular order I present:

1) drugs
2) book marketing
3) clever strategies
4) winding down + all forms of release
5) watching 7/8/9 AM after a particularly satisfying night spent in filthy bathroom stalls with friends and strangers
6) steak tartare
7) twitter
8) productivity, output & innovation
9) clever easy afternoons in the sunshine with beer
10)excellent publicity hits
11) a very fine dirty martini (bonus round)

Some various combination of the above leads me to the celebration of the forthcoming memoir, The Adderall Diaries from Graywolf Press. Despite slacker surroundings and possible lifestyle I fucking love: productivity, finished products, and tangible results - the goal of any publicist I suppose - and this is why adderall has a coveted position. As much as we all like twitching quietly, or not so quietly after one (ok, maybe 5?) too many bumps what we really like is the shit that takes us back to nights of speed, midterms, finals, and above all else: self-medication for improvement. The real goal is always something real, something measurable: a 20 page term paper, a final, a senior thesis, passing the bar.

Drugs that raise the bar. Things that force us to get over over the hump of introspection and get something going - answer that nagging voice of What are you doing? What's the plan? Adderall is this. It's at least honest in that you ask, "ok, what the fuck next?" that is, if you're not already doing it.

So I really want to read this. Check it @ http://www.graywolfpress.org/component/page,shop.flypage/product_id,287/category_id,00904de4d45e7808b56a75acdc7c6a96/option,com_phpshop/

Complete with a very fine blurb from both Jerry Stahl - who claims this may be the memoir of a generation - and the classic Amy Tan, don't you want to peep this to?

summer of swine

So even with all the pretty weather that all you kids love so much (and OK, I will admit to basking in a nice PBR-in-the-backyard of my fave local bar on Sunday moment)I feel like the mood this spring is a bit grim. Or there's an undertone of it at least - old media is increasingly boned, our economy is fucked, and it seems like every other person is looking for a job.

Of course, given the name of this blog, we sympathize. I'm lucky for now, but believe me, I worry. All my skills are in a field considered a luxury (books). whee. I feel the gap growing larger between everyone with even minimal income to spend on things like books, tickets, nights out, and those not. In short, shit sucks. And it isn't going to change anytime soon. Maybe we'll all get the swine flu though, and at least then we'll get some bed rest.

Signs something might not be quite right with me:

- I've been cleaning my apartment regularly. I vacuumed myself into a sweat yesterday.
- I've cooked meals more than twice in the past month.
- I've been thinking over things.

Heavy B's Diet Tips No One Asked For

So I've seen various write-ups for this new graphic novel/diet memoir The Big Skinny: How I Changed My Fattitude. Among the many intriguing things about this - the fact that it gets cross-over coverage on food blogs, media blogs, women's interest blogs, and of course regular media coverage, it's status as the "first graphic memoir about dieting", what struck me the most when reading the excerpt up at Amazon, was that it wasn't the cheery, "Hey, I love my body and eat what I want, but I exercise a lot!" typical message that I was expecting.

Instead you see a pretty regimented calorie-counting, "diet-esque" foods, and what could unkindly be called self-deprivation, but I am not going to roll with the judgment that way - it at least seems honest. And surprisingly similar, at least in eating, or lack thereof, to what I do.

I make no claims to living a vaguely healthy lifestyle. I drink, I smoke, I do drugs, and truth be told, I'd rather do all of those than eat my dinner. And I don't workout. So why I am I writing about this? Well, about a year and 3 months ago I went on about a 4 day coke binge and lost about 2 sizes, and I've managed to keep it off but then this winter I felt some of it definitely come back. Now, I'm by no stretch of the imagination skinny. I'm also pretty ok with this. No one's going to lampoon me in public and I get by.

Back to the point - as we entered the new year I got bored with my jeans getting tighter and overeating and whatnot. Also, I like to view the human body as something of an experiment. My own lab rat, as it were. I know, most people want to try to preserve it, I like to test its limits. What can I say?

So after a cold I decided that I would eat only soup. Now dude, I don't know if you've noticed, but there are some tasty, tasty canned soups out there - with plenty of solid foods contained within. I'm talking organic, veggie-tastic, would-please-a-foodie really good soups. That are also only about 120-200 calories if you eat the whole can, in many cases. 300 if you want to get crazy.

My favorites: Trader Joe's chicken noodle soup in a can, Wolfgang Puck's organic soups, and whatever is on sale.

Eat only soup and your appearance, it will change.

Someone who I hadn't seen in awhile remarked that I was much smaller and when he asked how I did it I half-jokingly said I upped my coke use, but ladies and gents, that will work to! Supplement your diet regimen with it, and you'll have a good time and you won't be hungry. Everyone wins.

Now, because I don't want my insides to give out, I do consume more than just soup. I try to have a yogurt - regular or soy, whatever is on sale - every morning, with a coffee or diet coke. Maybe an emergen-c (or the vitamin supplement of your choice) sometime during the day, and a 100-calorie snack pack, and then a can of soup for dinner. All the alcohol and diet coke I want. You will pry those from my cold, dead hands. I have tried to have cocktails/hard liquor instead of beer mostly, but its a little tricky. And that, plus or minus any illicit substances, is my day.

I also have what I have dubbed Solid Food Sundays where I eat something, whatever I want, ususally a cheeseburger, since the weekend's hangover usually requires more than a yogurt to be helped out. And it is great.

So there you have it.

And you'll save lots of cash on groceries. Who doesn't want to do that in these economic times?